Lifeteam was very hard for me last night... It was the 2nd time that "we" went as a "family" without Kelly. I wonder how long it will take before I stop feeling sad and lonely at small group???...???
To make things worse, I got my feelings hurt over something totally stupid that really wasn't a big deal (only to me it was a big deal--partially b/c my moods still aren't stabilized b/c my meds aren't working and partially b/c I was sad and lonely for Kelly)...which caused me to start having a panic attack--which meant we needed to leave right now...this confused or maybe even concerned a few people in our group--mainly Gail & Calvin...but like I said, I had to leave right then or else have a total melt-down.
I cried the whole way home--wishing Kelly were here to comfort me. When we got home, I got Brendan out of his car seat 1st and with tears in my eyes asked him, "Could you please give Mommy a hug??"...to which he responded "YES!!!"--all while jumping out of his seat. (On a side note, the unconditional love and acceptance and affection of a four year old is worth more money than this entire universe possesses...)
So I clung to my sweet, precious child and sobbed...and sobbed...and sobbed... Brendan's response??...He gently patted me on the back and repeated "it's ok, Mommy...everytings gonna be aw-wite"...which made me sob some more.
I am convinced that that sacred moment was created by God and facilitated through the Holy Spirit. I needed to be held and nurtured and little B wrapped his little arms around my neck and didn't' let go until I was ready (which wasn't for several minutes--and I might add that this is not typical behavior for the average impatient 4 year old--especially mine).
Now, normally, I wouldn't think it wise to break down like that in front of my children, but there was nothing else that I felt would work. I decided that it would be ok for the boys to know that I'm sad--heck, I was them to know that it's ok for them to be sad or any other emotion....it's how we handle ourselves in the midst of the emotion that matters.
The interesting thing is that I think Brendan enjoyed comforting me--I think it made him feel important and needed...he was and is very protective of his Mommy and he wanted to love me.
The end result??... I was able to release some pent-up anxiety and sadness and at the same time bond with my precious child. It reminds me of the times people have praised Kelly and I for adopting B--saying we "rescued him" from his abusive family...my response has always been and it absolutely was yesterday "No, he rescued me..." Praise be to our Heavenly Father who because of His boundless grace, mercy, and love delivers huge blessings in 4 year old packages...Candace
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